rambling monologues in moments of pain

I had one of those moments yesterday, while riding up a small climb, my hr was already up at the bottom so I was in zone 4 or 5 going up. I had just been on the bike for about 15-20 minutes and this was the first little interval. The first is always the hardest for me. But yeah, I had one of those moments where I was panting and pushing and my little internal monologue began with the debate (my mind debating itself I suppose). "Why are you doing this?" At that moment all I could think of as a response was, "I don't really know. Cause I don't want to waste my vitality, cause otherwise I'd be sitting on the couch watching bad t.v., cause I want to break people's legs off this season. I don't know, it'll be over in one more minute and 17 seconds so just shut up and deal with it wimp."

I don't have these moments too often. That surprises me a little, seems like I would have a moment like that everytime I go out for a hard ride. Luckily, not. It does happen in the first 10 minutes of a few races though. I think, "hey, I could just quit. Go change and sit in my car. Or, I could just slow down and ride at my own pace. I don't have to kill myself today. I'm not going to win even if I do." These thoughts are podium killers for sure especially when you don't have the prescence of mind to convince yourself to push onward. It's easier for me to keep these thoughts at bay when I get out in front and I get a gap. Then all I can think is, "you're winning, you're winning, don't slow down..., they're catching up, go go go." Even if I don't have a gap at least the others have to ride at the pace I'm dictating as long as I'm in front. It's worst when I'm 5 or 6 or even worse into the woods and gaps are opening everywhere especially if I'm having trouble hanging on a wheel. that is when the moments of doubt and concession really start to nag at me.

I'll train hard now so that come race day I can tell myself, "you're not quitting, you're not giving up, you worked really hard over the winter and spring. You better make it worth it, otherwise you just wasted your time."

I'll close with some lyrics from a Song used for a Southpark montage, "push it to the limit (the limit), walk along the razor's edge, don't look down just keep your head you're gonna finish."

Ode to the 80s and all the inspirational music that decade produced.